Hey there…
So I guess you could say that I haven’t been as “real” as I should have been with you guys. Having CP, especially as a teen , is all a process. It is that extra thing that we have to pile onto our other insecurities or battles in life. While normally I would say that having CP is a “good” thing because it had led me to this point in my life where I can talk openly about it and discover who I am as a human being. I am stronger because of it, I have more depth and, in my opinion, a better perspective on the way we as humans view the world.
Wow I really have had a lot on my mind lately to say the least. I would like to start by saying that I am feeling somewhat lost, and pessemistic, yet still composed in a sense to the point where I am still able to talk to you all about my thoughts and feelings… for the past few days, I feel like I have mentally accumulated this massive list of the negative things in my life at the moment and they were just read aloud last night because I just couldn’t keep adding on. I had a very meaningful conversation with my parents after dinner; it was one of those where I know experienced some sort of growth or crossed a milestone in my life from this talk because I didn’t hold back on anything I was thinking or feeling.
Throughout my entire life I have completely ignored my CP in the physical sense. I didnt want to have it so I just stubbornly thought that if I didn’t do PT or take care of myself it would just “go away” somehow. Yes, I was young and that plays a large role in how I look at my past decisions not to stretch, but now I need to take responsibility for those poor choices and do what I say I am going to do! Which is stretching, and wearing my night brace. And honestly I was/am not doing any of these things. At all. Even though I WANT to and NEED to I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the consequences of my actions in the present, looking into the future. I don’t really have an explanation for why I choose not to stretch… but the way I see it now, and based off of what my parents told me is, I better stop making these bad choices and accept my CP for what it is. Deal with it. Yep, that’s what I have been trying to tell myself for years now, but who know, this may take years, it will be a lifelong battle I know that, but I am willing to try and improve. That’s all I can say about that for now. Within this conversation I had with my parents, they kind of confronted my about my “problem” with not stretching and not choosing to do the right thing that is best for my health. Although we have been through this before a number of times, I think this time is different because I kind of realized that not only am I letting myself down, but I feel like I am letting my family, friends, and I’m letting YOU all down for advocating all these great PT stretches, yoga etc, but I can’t seem to do it myself. Why would I be telling you that I am optimistic, I am stretching and wearing my night brace when I really am not? I just convince myself that I am “trying”…”tomorrow I’ll do that,” or “oh that girl that I spoke with is doing PT, maybe I should too”… they are all just things I want to do, but somehow I just simply don’t anymore. I’m not happy with my state of being, my CP has gotten worse, I have trouble going up the stairs sometimes, I stub my toe…so why am I telling you all this? Because you need to know that I am not just this girl who has empowering things to say, who has CP but still can go on intense hikes and exercises a lot and that says she can do all these things and manages to be completely at ease with her CP… because although all those things I listed arent lies, I just say those things to convince myself that I am ok with my CP, that I give off the “I dont have CP that badly so I dont need to stretch” attitude. Ok, so you may think, well duh, if it is that bad why is she not taking it upon herself to do PT? I just plainly dont know. I think I will know, it is just a matter of understanding my CP and all that it means for my future. Im scared, so I am hesistant to “start” stretching again. I feel like if I do and I don’t see the results I am looking for right away I will give up, again. For now its safe to say that I am glad this is out in the open, and I am glad that you can see this side of me in case you thought my CP didnt affect me like it does you. Because it does, I just know that if I let t come to the surface of my mind I get really emotional about it because I feel like I continually fail in improving my physical self.
I think that’s it for now, I have decided to postpone any surgeries, castings, botox whatever the case may be to take the time to pave a gradual path for me towards more aggressive treatment in maybe another few months. Basically my mom told me (which I knew this too in the back of my mind) that why would I think a surgery would help if I know that I wouldnt follow up on PT afterwards. I, again, convince myself I will figure it out when the time comes, but how could I take this on when I lie about wearing my brace at night. It would be a waste of money, time, and effort and I feel like I need to start smaller. Yes mom and papa if youre reading this, you are right, it just took me a bit to clear my head and face the reality of my poor decisions. Thanks for listening guys, I really do appreciate being able to speak freely, and that there is no judgement here. That goes for everyone, not just me. No judgement. At all. We’re all in this together. 
Have a nice day.
-Katy
It’ll be okay, Katy. You’re a very smart, funny, and kind young lady. I’m not just saying that, either. When people are belligerent idiots, I tell them. You’re not. You’re different. We all were born with this huge burden, an idea that something’s wrong with us. The truth is, there isn’t. Everybody has their own struggles and challenges, disabled or not.
Let me tell you a story. I was in second grade, and I had to get tendon lengthening surgery. Since then, it’s hurt more than anything to sit on my heels. My therapist made me do it. Week after week, without fail, I’d hurt and strain myself trying to. She forced me, and I hated her for it. I thought she was evil and hated me.
Today, I can sit on my heels just fine. No pain. She was just trying to help, and she has. Since starting therapy, I can do so much more. We all hate it, but it’ll help you. Cerebral Palsy will never go away, but you know what can? The hate we all have for it. If you’re ever feeling down or angry, shoot me an email at silvertomatoproductions@gmail.com
Tomato
Thank you for your insight you have great things (and compliments) to say about my own experiences and life in general!
It is nice to know that you’ve gone through the same thing I am going through right now in a sense. I will definitely keep your email on tab….
Thanks again, Katy
Hi Katy…
I’m also a female teen with CP…and all the emotions you describe in your blog are almost exactly what I feel. I, too, thought that if I ‘ignored’ CP, it would just go away, was resistant to anything that made me ‘different’ (even if it helped) and have also had conversations with my parents about accepting and dealing with it for my own benefit. And I’m getting there. I used to get upset if I even heard someone talk about cerebral palsy and would refuse to talk about it at all. Now, it’s still hard, but I’m much more open about it. I’m currently at a stage where I have to step up and be brave about it all…but when I was younger, I thought I’d never get to this. I’m sure that you’ve also had huge successes and will continue to do so. Just know that you’re not alone.
Good luck.
xx
Hey Bee,
Thank you so much for expressing yourself and your own experiences with CP, it is nice knowing that someone else out there is going through the same thing as I am. It is great that we are both progressing somewhat and are learning to face our challenges day by day.
Thanks again, Katy
Reading was good for me, in my own sense, I feel the same way. This is something I’ll keep with me. Thanks for the wonderful post!
Glad you liked it and felt like you could relate
Hi, Katy!
I’m a middle-aged woman with MS writing a novel with a teenager who has CP as the main character, which is how I came across this blog.
I have to tell you something: this entry where you talked about how things aren’t going as well as you’d like to say they are was REALLY inspirational to me. Made me feel less alone, even though I’m a totally different age with a totally different disability (you haven’t used that word, so I apologize if it’s offensive) living in the Midwest.
Thank you for your blog; I appreciate it so much.
Hi!
I hope all is well, and I do have a disability–and I’m not hiding it, so none taken! Email me sometime about your novel, and if you ever need some tips for your character please contact me!
Wow thank you so much for your compliments, I am glad to be an inspiration to you, and possibly some of your characters motives.
-Katy
Katy, you are a inspiration to all of us.. no matter the ages or disabilities, and we all have something.If not when you are young it starts as you age.In my own life the stretching and exercising has came into play about 10 years ago and I am so ready to give it up.. but you know what? At my age you don’t use it , you lose it. Its as simple as that and I just keep telling myself that over and over and it seems to help. God Bless you. We all love you girl.
Thank you Renee! It makes my day hearing things like this. It’s great feeling so relateable to others…any age group, activity level, disability (or ability) we all go through some of the same stuff that life brings upon us! Thanks.
<3
Oh katie. We have to talk on the phone at some point. I can totally relate to everything you wrote. I hate stretching Mia too and I have not been doing such a good job at it. And, I think it’s normal to “ignore it” and “hope it will just go away.” I know I wish this alot. I still can’t belive that this is my daughter’s life. But then I think to myself…Who am I to know how she is going to handle all of this? She might be like you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes. I mean that. Enough said. You are beautiful, smart and seem to have a fun outgoing personality. You have more going for you than MOST girls! Please pray Mia will be the same. I love her so much, and all of this hurts me in the same way that you feel all of this:(
XOXO
I messaged you back, so hopefully we can get in contact over the weekend! I am flattered at the way you see me, thank you thank you! I do my best to keep a positive outlook on life, it is the only way to keep my day going sometimes. (I’m sure you know how that feels.)
It is interesting to hear your perspective of CP, because you are one of many mother’s I am sure who only want what is best for her child. You see CP first handedly, and dedicate your time and effort to make your daughters life as “normal” as possible. But I think what you have to also take into consideration, is that sometimes the best thing for your child (as she gets older) is to let her fend for herself a bit, and learn that SHE is responsible for her body, not you. As much as you try to persist and help her, ultimately it will become her decision and it will be hard for you too, to let that happen. She will be okay, just know that. There will be hardships and problems with other kids, but as long as you are there to let her know she is loved all the same, CP or not– she will only grow stronger and more accepting.
Hang in there!
Talk soon, Katy